The Bad

We were curled up in a dorm room, in what would have been too close for comfort if there hadn't been booze. I don't remember what they were drinking, only that I couldn't have any. I was on a steady diet of depression, laced with self-blame, mock righteousness, and a helluva lota Stop Thinking And Chill Already.

The booze would have been much better, despite all the warning labels on my meds.

She was inches away, eyes dancing with the spark that only comes out of darkness. He was sprawled (except he never really sprawled, there was too much tension, too much power in his movements for him to sprawl. Say then, that he was relaxed) into her nearby desk chair.

It was the strangest triangle I had ever seen. She had asked him out - he refused, but they ended up being very good friends. I had asked him out, and had dated him for most of a year before he ended the relationship when I was two days out of the hospital. I had had a crush on her ever since the moment I first saw her, and recently told her this. She told me two things in return: the first was a secret, and none of your business, and the second was the excellent point that we were both too screwed up to date.

I still brought her a duct tape rose for Valentine's Day.

The point is that they were both making heavy inroads into tipsy, and I was stone-sober laughing and joking, teasing and prodding, all the while trying to hide that this was really really hard and I really really hurt and maybe I should please go and fall into the (frozen) Lyman Lakes so I could just stop feeling and hurting and being so alone.

And maybe I could patch up my heart with ice; it would at least minimize the bruising and keep the swelling down.

Anyway. I was on a tirade about something, you know how it is. I was too busy feeling to pay attention to what I was saying. Perhaps I was trying to argue that I was crazy, having been in the psych-ward and dropping out of school and all. I certainly wasn't pulling any punches. All I remember was this:

"...and you left me because I was crazy-"

"No!"

I stopped in my tracks because they had both answered.

"No?"

"No." he said, but I didn't believe him. I turned to her for confirmation, and she nodded, once.

"Then why did you leave me?"

He looked into his drink for a long, long time. "Because I realized I couldn't love you."

I snorted, mentally. Bull shit. I had heard him leave the instant I told him I wouldn't be coming back to Carleton for Winter term; but maybe that's just because I realized he couldn't love me that day we sat under the moon and I told him I didn't need saving, not from any God or Son-of-God, and he had looked at me with... well, I'll never forget his expression.

I left as soon as socially acceptable - or perhaps a bit earlier, remembering their surprised faces. I chatted about seeing other people, and she walked me out of the room, to the outside door. She asked if she could kiss me, and I said yes. Then I walked outside into the bitter February air and burst into tears.