"Hey Miss Ella, do you have a moment?"
"Sure." My boss spun away from a pile of paperwork. "What's up?"
"I don't know how much you know about why I'm here..." she shook her head. "I have an anxiety disorder. It's why I left school. I'll probably have a doctor's appointment every week or so. I'll try to schedule them so they're not a problem. But I might also have to ask, if things are getting hectic, if I could just step out for a while..."
"Not a problem," she said with a smile. "All of us run into that. It's better in the summer when we can go outside and get away, but you just let me or another teacher know if you need a break."
I blessed my luck. She looked mildly curious, but not condescending or disapproving, as I had feared. I have an anxiety disorder. The words jerked off my tongue; I'm a failure, too weak, too stupid, not strong enough, was what it actually meant. Wrapped up in a socially acceptable package: I have an anxiety disorder.
I went back to the infant room and picked up Rae. "Hey little girl." She recognized me, and her face lit up with the biggest smile I've seen on anyone, ever. "Hi little love." I cuddled her close, and she tried to steal my glasses.
I feel like I'm not nearly eloquent enough to post anywhere here (seriously, if you want a break from reading books, write one). But disorder is a silly word anyway. You're anxiety different (and if I hadn't already sold back my neuroscience textbook *grrr* I would be able to tell you how!). What I can tell you is that you are awesome and do have a very positive physical impact on the world. A good example is Rae. When humans touch infants, it releases growth hormones, so they'll grow up bigger and stronger. So just by being awesome and interacting with kids you are having a noticeable impact on people's lives. Hope that helped, or at least didn't sound completely rambling..
ReplyDeleteIt did, lots! thank you for commenting - it really means a lot to know that someone's reading! <3
ReplyDeleteOne of the reasons that I love working at the daycare is that I can make a difference there. If I can make a kid smile - just one - it was worth getting out of bed in the morning.