Senario: It's a Saturday night, and I'm wiped. However, I have plans - gaming, dancing, visiting school, whatever. I don't want to go.
Conflicting Truths:
I don't want to go
vs
I have to go.
Train of Thought:
I have to go, I've been ducking out of so many things lately, everyone will be disappointed that I didn't show again, and they'll get all mad at me and won't want to hang out with me and I'll lose all my friends because I'm stupid and tired and no one will like me because I don't want to hang out (and I should hang out or else I'm a Bad Friend) and if I'm a Bad Friend no one will love me and I'll be anxious and go back in the hospital and no one will come see me I'll be all alone and I'll never get better and they'll commit me 'cause I'm too crazy and I'll go to Abbot, they'll lock me up forever and I'll be alone and die.
No shit, Every Single Time I feel like I'm failing someone in some way, I get anxious. I've had this train of thought in my head a hundred, a thousand, a million times. It's part of the software in my head, my Operating System, if you will. Most of the work I do in therapy is, in essence, reprogramming the buggy parts of my OS. And believe me, it's just as hard as it sounds.
For the record, we don't think you're bad. :) We miss having you at game, of course (seriously, who /wouldn't/ miss gaming with you?), but we understand when you can't make it. <3
ReplyDeleteAlso, if you were in the hospital again (and I knew about it) I would totally come visit you 1,000 times every day. You would get sick of me and it would be fantastic. :D